Emmy Collins is back! Calls out Kunle Afolayan, Gbemi, Mike Ezuruonye, Mercy Johnson, Mrs Dakolo and others

Since you guys have been agitating for the return of diarybyemmy.com, I have decided to take time off to delve into the fashion bit at the just concluded AMVCA 2015.

Having gone through the images, I must opine that I’m not a happy bunny. This event happens once annually and you get series of warnings before the D-day, yet some folks turn up there to yawathemselves and expect to be offered soft landing? Asi kafa na asi!

Oh well, let`s have a look at what we have here.

Gbemi Olateru-Olagbegi

I think it’s absolutely fair to opine that Gbemi inspired this article. Seriously, if you get hit hard by this article today, I urge you to blame it on Gbemi as this article would never have become a reality if these didn’t happen to be the first couple of images I had the misfortune of bumping into. Ndi b’anyi nego di nu what Gbemi reckons was the best she could do on our Oscar nite. Tufiakwa, I rebuke this in IJN! Talo nsoro?

Honestly, I’m never short of words but on this occasion words fail me. Where do we start? Well, lets tackle the make-up. As I tweeted last night, unless someone turns up with a stiffer penalty, the make-up artist deserves to be shipped up North to tackle the Boko Haram scourge. So that I don’t spend the meagre time I have on this ragged-ness, I will pretend I didn’t see the cheapness of the fabric, the utter rubbish stitching and oh, the slit cum whatever is going on with the dress. Work your eyes down to the cut-out (ok,I reckon she called it slit) around her kneecap  and you will notice that either the edges are fraying or the crap isn’t properly lined! Seriously, this is becoming awfully boring and offensive.

Why am I bothered? Well, for starters she and her ilk represent me and 160m compatriots when they export this raggedness to other African countries during award events. I could come up with more reasons but I have to move on.

This is disastrously a disaster.

Temi DollFace

Of course, you expect the patapata chic to pop up and save the day. The originality of purpose here is why Temi will be marshalled to the winners abode on this one. She keeps to her lane, hence she doesn`t get it wrong so often. Remember there is hardly any traffic if you stick to your lane. Do you!

Andrea Giaccaglia

Andrea is without doubt a gorgeous lady but she has mastered the art of conspiring to shoot herself in the leg. My grouse here is with the quality of this fabric. This is arguably the biggest award event in Nigeria today, so would it be too much to ask guests to ensure that the quality of the fabric their dresses are made from are top-notch? I’m all for patronising Nigerian designers all day every day, however, if the fabric isn’t quite what it should be, then you might wanna consider providing the fabric yourself or insist on better fabric. If you don’t know the difference then ask.

If you throw in the bra exposure, slit and that fake ass bling bling, then then you have a recipe for a disaster that should have been nipped in the bud.

I don`t know about you guys but I have the urge to call in Andrea for tough questioning. Yes, I need an explanation concerning why this happened!

Muna

One more fitting session is required to get the dress to fit properly. For starters the loose fabric under the arm should have been nipped in. However, this fabric hasn’t got quality written all over so regardless I would have frowned at it, in other words I would have given the famous Emmy-mad-dog-look!

Again, this happens once a year so when you guys travel to Dubai as you often do, please remember to invest in fabric and then pray to almighty God that a designer out here will decipher what to do with it. Quality fabric is a great first step to take towards achieving a great look, but if you have a shitty designer/seamstress, they will chew the fabric up – ka ewu in GEJ`s goat and yam analogy. Lol, I’m really gonna miss GEJ after the 29th of May.

Ini Edo

If you ask me, even at gun point, I will tell you that this is right up there as the worst dress of the night not because there aren’t worse horrors but because this chic had the effrontery to hit us with the knock-off version of Lupita’s red Ralph Lauren dress. Was she under the assumption that the entire Nigerian nation suffers from collective amnesia. Come on, this was just last year or thereabout, so even if we are drunk on Alomo bitters/Sapele water or overfed on Ini Edo’s humongous pot of calories, we will remember where we saw this dress before. So much for being creative.

This is the only country where the supposedly creative folks are the least creative yet they expect, demand and more often than not receive credit for their uncreative acts.

Ini Edo no ves, abeg turn up in something original next time.

Noble Igwe

Noble “the” Igwe aka President Beard Squad Inc. Nigeria.

Now, I decided to incorporate this image into this article for the simple reason that I have noticed that trads are gaining traction in Nigeria and I’m all for it. However, I need to lay out a few tricks to make a win of it. Since this is usually made loose, it means that you could hardly get the top bit of the combo wrong even if you try. The war is with the pants and the shoes and that is precisely where the war is either won or lost. As you can see, the pants here come with a sharp crease and the hem shies away from touching the shoes. Finally, he finished it off with a nice flat loafer.

If you don`t, just ask. Don`t play “Imakwa ndi anyi bu?”

This gets 8.5 out of 10 any day from me.

Kunle Afolayan 

He nailed the look too.

Lillian Unachukwu

Lilian is a bundle of awesomeness so why this heavy “slap” on her face? The dress didn’t help her case either. Wasted minutes! The amount of time/money she wasted here watering down her beauty reminds me of Nigeria spending billions on power simply to generate more darkness!

Ndia ga egbu mmadu, biko! Mschewww.

Mike Ezuruonye

This isn`t bad at all, but Mike missed the memo on trouser lengths so can someone kindly forward it to him, abeg? While you guys are at it, someone might wanna remind him to loosen up a bit.

He seems to have shifted some weight though, good for him!

Mercy Johnson

This is utter NONSENSEEE. Mercy, if the fabric of this dress set you back for more than 2k in Naira, I suggest this might be the right time to demand a refund as you must have been scammed aka 419ed. For someone who made a point of informing us the ‘ordinary people’ that her ‘Range Rover’ broke down so she had to bless us with her presence in the train to nowhere, I would have expected that she’d dole out something a bit more substantive to achieve a better outcome.

On the scale of 1-10, this gets a 1 and that’s because I`m in a magnanimous mood today and secondly, Women`s Day so I can`t punch too hard.

On a personal level, I had already given up on Mama Purity a loooong time ago and this hasn`t done anything to encourage me to rescind that decision.

What is that I see through the slit? Atilogwu dancers usually wear such ankle beads or is that from the shoes?

Mrs Dakolo

Choi NEPA/PHCN emego ncha! Why would they cut power when a beautiful lady is just about ironing her dress to head out for an event thereby forcing her to abandon the task and just throw on a rumpled dress. Abeg, una get light for una side? Ok, na jokes but did something happen inside the car that should have occurred in the bedroom? Lol.

Amazing smile though and NO, I’m not delving further into the dress.Unu achoro ka di Nwanyi a gba m kunfu?

OC Ukeje

I heard he won another award! This chap keeps winning. I must confess that I`m yet to watch any of his movies but considering his acceptance speech a couple of years back which I still classify as one of the best I have ever listened to even on the international stage, I will be totally gutted if he isn’t as great as I envisioned.

Anyway, it’s a double win for Mr OC as he won as well on the sartorial department on this occasion.

He must be bored winning all these well deserved awards all the time.

You are the man O.C!

Oge Okoye

Nne, kanyi sua na igbo! Kedu ije gi, nwa ada? Akwa gi a soro m amu biko!

Uche gi dikwa ya!

Ibiere Agwu

Lol. She couldn’t wait to get out of here. Did she just sight Gbemi in her red dress? If not then why the bored face? On a serious note, her demeanour is that of someone who was dragged by her hair screaming and scratching to this event. She definitely didn’t appreciate being here and it showed in the effort or lack of it thereof, she put in her boring (I’m about to nod off) disaster of a dress.

She is by no means amongst the worst dressed, except the frown on her face made her a target.

Fade Ogunro

Jehova onye nwe uwa?! Fade no go kill man so? The silhouette of this dress exists only in Fade`s imagination. I feel like I`m looking at one of those huge lamp shades from Ikea.

Na wa o,this raggedyness you people “shearing”. Dar is God, dar is God!

Fade, ma binu o. *winks*

Dolapo Oni

Ndia abiakwa, as in “they haf come again!” Black lipstick and you honestly believed in your wildest dreams you could pull it off, Dolapo? Yeah right, I haf hear you!

Genevieve

Now, to all the folks who reckon Gene-baby knocked it right out of the park here, sadly I’m about to burst your bubble. Yes, she got some things i.e smile, make-up, choice of colour, mannerisms – right, but the dress was “DEFO” not one of the things she got right, not even by a long shot, ndi banyi. Just work your eyes up to the bosom area and then we will chat again. In fact, the bodice of this dress is rubbish due to shoddy construction. It is so messy up there that it has taken me 10 minutes of hard brainstorming to visualise what their original intention was and yet I have drawn a blank.

At best, this dress deserves a 4 out of 10 and again that is because it is a special day for the women. On a different day I would’ve given it a 1 and I wouldn’t lose any sleep for that decision.

This is supposedly our own version of Angelina Jolie so I expect to be wowed but instead I just got underwhelmed YET again.

IK Ogbonna

Ik was my best dressed of the day. How I wish I could honestly say the same for his boo. She just didn`t turn up!

DJ Exclusive

Nice one, DJ!

Eku

The make-up, hair and her greatest accessory which is the smile are quite spot on but to be honest, this dress isn`t saying quality to me. Guys, remember this is Nigeria’s OSCAR’s we are talking about here. This is average or even below. Don’t take my word for it;  just compare it with internationals awards. That is the standard we should be striving to meet and nothing less because we are not “LESSER” people. Ndi ocha eburo isi abua!

Jerry

With that beard and persona, he has won a fan with this one. Originality, originality and originality. Okwa unu n’ege nti?

Beard is the new “cool” however your beard alone doesn`t qualify you as cool unless you compliment it with other attributes i.e. good sense of style et al. If you carry only beard come, we go shave am comot for face o.

Anyway,I just feel the need to post this disclaimer here.

Love it! #beardsquadInc.

Kendra

Best dress of the evening! *winks*. Ok, Ok, I’m gonna quit mucking about and call a spade a spade. I was wondering what happened to the roll of mosquito net I purchased a few days back but not any more. Kendra, feel free to return it when you are through. Ves? I no ves o, just return it!

I love you too! Call me. Mwah.

Susan Peters

Big Bird

I saved the best for the last! And you guys say I`m not nice? When I was hit with this monstrosity, I realised I had seen it somewhere in Nigeria but in a different colour then after a few minutes of drawing a blank, it clicked, yup, Omotola!

Wait o, I have seen it in Europe too and in the same colour. Yup, Bjork pulled the same stunt years back with the swan outfit.

Ok, guys this is where I bow out till whenever another Gbemi forces me out of hibernation to do this again. Till then, it is all love and kisses from…

And oh, if you feel I have driven an armoured tank through your style here, it ain’t personal o, abeg! This is all satirical. *winks*

There are few more images that I could have commented on but I`m too knackered and pressed for time to continue. Since I’m in dire need to comment on more ladies who put their best fashion feet forward ,let me reel out a couple of names here. Osas was ravishing while my gurl, Oreka Godis kept it simple but gorgeous. Oreka has already received a tweet of appreciation from me. You see, I’m NOT so economical with dishing out compliments but it has to be deserved.

I’m beginning to think that a celebrity’s greatest enemy in Nigeria is her stylist as only a handful of stylists know their job description.

P.S.  If we really want to be reckoned with in the fashion world, we must do some work, in fact plenty of work on our tailoring. We organise shows and want the entire world to show up but then we don’t have the quality to showcase to them. I remember years back when I participated in a show here in Nigeria. There was an international buyer of TOP repute, whose name I`m not at liberty to mention here, we were both lodged at Eko Hotels and therefore bumped into each other regularly during breakfast and lunch the three days we were lodged there. I can authoritatively tell you guys that he had major issues with the quality of tailoring he was being bombarded with. Over those three days we got close and boy, if you think I don`t cut Nigerian designers some slack, you need to listen to this chap. Design wise, we are perhaps amongst the best out there but design counts for absolutely zilch, nada, nix if it isn`t accompanied by quality tailoring. My mentor, Mr David Jones, a veteran with almost 60yrs experience behind him in the British fashion industry once told me this and it stuck – “It is ok if critics don’t appreciate your design or choice of colour, but the moment they aren’t happy with your quality of tailoring is the moment you become a dead man walking or rather a dead designer walking!”

Organising shows are the easy bit, the hard bit is churning out well tailored pieces of international standard and presently I say, with all SADNESS, that we have not even started off on that journey and until we do, the recognition that we seek is bound to elude us. Nigerians are good with their hands so this is doable,  but we must recognise it as a challenge, reset our mindset and then devise ways of resolving the challenge.

Ka chineke mezie okwu.